Should I go Back on Wellbutrin?

I have been feeling "depressed" a lot. Not so much sad, as bored, empty, hollow, lifeless, hopeless, it is wavering quite a bit, the "bad" feelings; I'll forget for a while, then it hits me again.

I feel anxious if I don't have pot and I use pot to quell the feeling, but in general, I felt better overall when on the Wellbutrin.

The reason I stopped taking it was because of terrible headaches when I started new hiv meds that I contributed to Wellbutrin. Although being on Wellbutrin increases chances of seizure (which I've never had) it may be worth it.

Like today for instance, I got up, did the Time's Crossword... most of it, don't want to go out to the Cherry Blossom Festival.

I am depressed feeling, low... its so hard to describe...

I have begun to remember dreams again, bits and pieces, actually 3 this week. I even woke up acting out a dream last night... I thought of having an out of body experience while looking at the shadows on the wall just before falling asleep last night. I woke up grabbing at the fabric of the dream, a woman's dress, walking toward me, a group of people rushing me, grabbing her dress was grabbing the fabric of the dream and as I pulled it away, like pulling a movie screen down, I was awake sitting up pulling up the sheets.

Not Sure How It's Going So Far

I've been sick with a cough, and depressed. Thinking about suicide again, but not sure how much of it is the physical ailment. I've been considering going back on Wellbutrin again, but my hesitation is that I'm under the weather and I can blame that for the depressed feelings.

I think about taking an overdose. Now that mother is dead, she was my promise not to commit suicide because I didn't want to hurt her. A. would have a hard time but he'd get over it. I think about jumping off the roof and letting strangers find me while A.'s at work....

I don't know... I really want to cry but can't seem to. I see dried up. I really don't want to go forward, I see no future that is appealing... I just want it all to end....

I know it's because I'm sick, congested, called out today, came home early yesterday.... under the weather, it's gloomy, rainy and cold, there is a constant jack hammer in the street...

I don't want people to mourn me. The trouble my family would have to go through... unless I just left instructions for cremation, wouldn't have to deal with the transport of the body...

I don't know what to do. A. says to call the shrink and talk to him, that really doesn't matter, he will agree with taking the Wellbutrin I believe, and he will also agree if I say I want to wait a while more until I'm physically well, to see how I feel....

Wellbutrin doesn't work that fast anyhow, it would take several days or more to see results anyway... I wouldn't know if I were feeling this way when I'm not sick, so I better wait.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just want everything to stop, I'm tired of trying and tired of having what feels like tons of stuff hanging over me, which I rationally know is nothing at all...

I see no good future, I see suffering and sadness...

Also, today is the anniversary of my father's death, although it has been well over 30 years... I can put that into the mix as well, and guilt for calling in sick... which is useless guilt and I don't know where that comes from...

I don't know what to do. I won't commit suicide now, I'm just thinking about it... not intentionally, it's intrusive thoughts and obsessive morbidity.... I used to live in this mode, I made it through those early years, I think I can las one more day...

Wondering about Set Backs

I'd been feeling a bit depressed here and there. A few days, well, I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts and ideas. These were bothersome for a few days. I was also a bit depressed and have been a bit scattered. On Saturday I seriously thought about going back on the Wellbutrin and wondered if the way I was feeling was because I wasn't on it any more.

I'm feeling quite pressured by time as well, I noticed it a few days ago and when I think back its been an issue.

I totally ignored my taxes and stuff, this is the 4th year in a row. I did one major thing, call my accountant and ask him a question. I left a message and emailed. I asked if I had to file in order by year. I don't.
I don't know why I asked, I needed to make contact.... I literally told him I was going to wait until after the 15th to deal with it anyhow...

I can't even talk about it....

I've been feeling a bit sketchy, wanting to stay home from work every day, really badly. I have time off next week and I can't wait, spring break.

I'm telling myself I'm going to go out and take photos and enjoy the city. At least that is an improvement.

We'll see if I actually do it... I need to take the w2s to the accountant and let him do the taxes....

we'll see if I actually do...

I've remembered dreaming a few nights. No details of the dreams, just that I did. That is new.
That is normal for me, but I haven't remembered dreams in years... used to be an avid dream rememberer.

I hope I don't end up back on the Wellbutrin. I can tell a difference....

I was proud of being off of it and at the psychiatrist, he actually said "well it's only been three weeks so let's just sit tight"...

it bothered me that he said that, that expressed doubt, of course I didn't say anything....

I haven't seen the therapist for over a year I think.

I've felt very bored in general....

I still smoke pot, in small doses, to quell anxiety...

it's just pexeva and 2.5 mg of zyprexa now....

I'm glad I'm off of Wellbutrin. I think I'm doing okay.... time is telling

Wellbutrin Free At Last!!

I've been off of Wellbutrin for about 2 weeks now and I feel the same. I felt funny for a week or so during the tapering off period, and I got kind of sick, flu like and and some headaches. I don't know if that was because of stopping Wellbutrin or not.

Now I think I feel the same as I did a month or so ago, so don't really notice a difference.

Has anybody else had this experience of stopping Wellbutrin XL???

I felt better yesterday

and today. communicating with the account, even though it was mostly a moot act, and deciding what to do, and seeing a simple way of doing it were key.

...not I just actually have to get stuff together to take to him, just w2 forms and stuff...

i feel anxious about having called in sick one too many times for the Monday/Friday job.... I'm nervous about going in on Friday...

i'm also a bit tired that this job, although I love it and I don't have to do too much in general, and when I am working it is highly interesting and motivating, the pay is not what I want and it may be better in my position to transfer that time to the job which adds hours toward retirement.... i'm thinking of making a change if they don't give me a heafty raise soon.

mind you, when i say 'thinking about' this means i will be thinking about this for a long time before i do anything.

I did call the accountant

And left a message, and emailed him. I asked if I neeeded to file the taxes year by year in chronological order. He responded with one line and no signature, a trite and sharp response, emails are so hard to read, easy to mis read, i don't need to file them in order... don't know why i asked.

the first three years are short form.... got to build up the strength of just taking them in , the w2 forms and letting him do it..... this will be expenseive.....

we pay for our mistakes.

god i'm shaking right now writing about it and holy fuck do i not want to leave the apartment.

Terrible Panic Attack Yesterday

It happened in the shower. The focus was all of the things I did not accomplish over the weekend, specifically the past 4 years of taxes. I have not filed. It causes me to get tense and freeze up, like a feeling of shock plus terrible butterflies, like when going to the dentist or getting bad news from the doctor, at the very thought of the IRS, my tax person (any person but this specific one has stresses of his own) and all of that shit.

I have a small business on the side and its not hard to keep track of records, it is just hard to deal with anything involving finance or numbers, I have an emotional freeze up, and it's like not going near open flame or something, I am so good at avoiding them.

I pay my bills on time and everything, I have had a $10,000 debt with the IRS that I have paid off from not filing years and years ago, and I had been keeping up every year but something happend 3 or 4 years ago that caused me to procrastinate and not deal with it.

Anyhow, my point was yesterday, having a panic attack and calling in sick (I really did throw up the night before and was nauseous too had a may have had a low grade fever) ...
Often I can't tell if I'm really sick or not because the panic and how I feel is so overlapped, I mean the physical and emotional/mental are intertwined.....

I thought hard and long about NOT stopping the Wellbutrin, buperorion, or however you spell it, I am taking a nibble off of the pill, the 300 MG XL a day , like Alice in Wonderland (obviously these drugs suffer from these types of MYTHS, but I couldn't help the analogy) taking around a quarter of the pill a day. I am feeling worse, more fragile, more anxious and paniced, but not knowing if I should blame Wellbutrin withdrawl or just the time of year.....

I have a slight headache more often than not, naggy..... I feel bad for missing work... I lost money, I didn't get paid yesterday and have missed a lot at that specific job......

I'm ANGSTING
that's why I wrote this page......

Feel A Bit Sick And Weak

Could have a virus or something, not sure. Also could be the WEllbutrin Withdrawl. I've been taking one quarter of a table (300 mg XL) for about 4 days now. I woke up and had to vomit at 3AM on Tuesday night. Went to work yesterday but felt woozy and queasy all day. Slept as soon as I got home last night and got a ton of sleep, had one bean burrito from Taco Bell for dinner and was up for about an hour.

I'm glad it's Thursday and there is only today and tomorrow to work, then I have the weekend off.... I'm very stressed about stuff like having my taxes done, which are behind a couple of years, I shake and quake just thinking about it.... it's really not that much, just calling and making an appointment with the accountant....... shit... i get such anxiety just thinking about it.... i don't know why... even if I get money back, it's totally irrational.... a thought attached to panic...

I have anxiety now. At least I'm up early enough that I won't have to rush or be late for work...
I hope...

Has Anyone Seen This Blog

Is there a community on this blogspot? I don't seem to see where all the other bloggers are.
I think I'm doing okay off the Wellbutrin XL. I've been taking 1/4 of a pill for several days now. I am actually feeling a bit better than usual, judging by my actions, I seem to be doing more little chores, dishes, picking up after myself, getting to work on time.... It's weird.

If someone ever reads this can you leave some type of indication? Thanks.

Sunday Morning Coffee And The New York Times Crossword

It’s the grey residue of a rainy night in Manhattan. The streets are dark and puddled. The sun is coming up to a colorless sky. The puzzle is difficult today. I think I’ll print out another and start over cuz I’ve already messed this one up... I won’t finish it. I won’t use the time.

I hear garbage trucks and the city is waking up...

Not that you don’t hear garbage trucks and stuff all through the night, if you happen to listen. The construction on the electric infrastructure under the streets, before they dig the 2nd Ave. Subway continues until 10:00 PM on the dot Monday through Friday. I’m not sure about Saturday’s.

This includes Jackhammering and pounding down the soil with a jackhammer equipped with a flat rectangular iron foot. This, as opposed to RAT A TAT TAT, is more of a WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM type of pounding.

They have dug trenches with backhoes and those digging things, looking out my apartment window, in New York City, I feel like I’m one of those animal children in a Richard Scary book having a lesson on what goes on in the city while the people sleep.

Not that I’m complaining, I LOVE living in MANHATTAN, it’s just the late night, and sometimes overnight road work that can get to you.

Sometimes people call the police, and sometimes I have, and sometimes it stops but sometimes it’s necessary and they have the permit. It appears that much of the construction and contracted work here may often be underhanded but who am I to notice? But I can see why people might end up in the East river in lead boots here.

We sometimes look out the window, when they pour the concrete into these trenches and say to each others "well, perfect place to hide a body"....
we didn’t even watch the Sopranos.......

I can see it ( here I go talking about mob mentality for some unknown reason, just out of the blue ) out in rural America, only there they end up tied to trees or barbed wire fences when beaten by pitchfork welding gangs of torch bearing....

What got me started complaining on this fine dreary and garbage truck serenaded Sunday morning anyway?

I think I had some kind of a dream. I remember wisps of feelings, and images only seen in with my gut’s eye, can’t be put to words, other than dealings with people and business and something about Steve Carell from The Office.

Anyway, the radiator’s hissing it’s secrets and reminding me that my coffee is getting cold and that the auto shut-off on the cheap Gevalia ( A club I don’t recommend joining, they’re coffee stinks, it’s bitter), is probably off by now and I don’t think I’m going to waste any more time on this puzzle this morning anyhow, I’ve got too much to do...

Blessings to you this fine Sunday at the ass end of winter! Woo Hoo! Spring is near. I see the tale-tale signs of chocolate hares and chickens in the market place as I make my way through the thawing, although ’oft bitter bustle of the city’s pulsing masses, scarfed and knitted cap stretched firmly ’round my noggin.

A Laughing Native Boy Delivers

Why do you feel sorry for the imigree and you
give a hefty tip? He brings hot food in cold rain
you sadly say and grasp the dinner.
The hot rice and the spicy side of life
was nice. Don’t let it slide into your eyes,
beads of sweat, or dignified and wide.
Devoid of power, pride, and water makes you
piss too much and beer might make you sick.
Suck a frozen tomato, until your tongue cools,
glad you saved them, in the freezer, for a possible shortage.
The dry chokeable chicken is good but the heat can’t be
blotted out with cukes and youghurt, and you can’t
possibly trust the milk. Oh this native city is so restless.
They deliver food with burning sensation and make you
wonder if they know their Tandori is delightful but the painful
spice is sometimes a dish best served cold.

.
.

She Sat On The Toilet For Two Years...

...and the skin on her ass grew around the toilet seat। This was at her boyfriends and it was because she was "afraid to come out". He brought her food and finally called the police.


When I read about incidents like the above, I breathe a big sigh of relief at my own anxiety and mental health. I have nothing to be ashamed of and apparently have it pretty easy, comparatively.

There are several things I could be, which I'm not, and complaining about Wellbutrin withdrawal is just self indulgent.

I am of relatively sound mind and body, at least I function in society as so, I've never really been clear about the meaning of "sound mind"...

To me, the mind is but a glass of water.

a poem:

Hydrophonics

He said the mind was like a glass of water. He did not specify the color, the transparency, or not, of the glass, nor did he elaborate on the condition of the water itself.
He assumed everyone understood he meant it to be clear, in spite of the particles, orbs and spices, transient flora, reflections of light and other microscopic debris which swam or lifeless, floated freely in the brine.
He stopped to take a drink.

शे सैट ओं थे टॉयलेट फॉर तवो Years

...and the skin on her ass grew around the toilet seat. This was at her boyfriends and it was because she was "afraid to come out". He brought her food and finally called the police.

When I read about incidents like the above, I breathe a big sigh of relief at my own anxiety and mental health. I have nothing to be ashamed of and apparently have it pretty easy, comparatively.

There are several things I could be, which I'm not, and complaining about Wellbutrin withdrawal is just self indulgent.

I am of relatively sound mind and body, at least I function in society as so, I've never really been clear about the meaning of "sound mind"...

To me, the mind is but a glass of water.

a poem:

Hydrophonics

He said the mind was like a glass of water. He did not specify the color, the transparency, or not, of the glass, nor did he elaborate on the condition of the water itself.
He assumed everyone understood he meant it to be clear, in spite of the particles, orbs and spices, transient flora, reflections of light and other microscopic debris which swam or lifeless, floated freely in the brine.
He stopped to take a drink.

Wellbutrin Withdrawl 3

I should say that I'm a bit disoriented, more so than usual, starting a blog and quitting Wellbutrin at the same time is confusing. I'm not sure how to find other blogs, like isn't there a menu page or something?

I have to get used to using this blog. I'm not sure what all I can do.

Wellbutrin Withdrawl

I left work early yesterday and called out today. I feel very agitated and angsty.
I'm worried that the tablets, 300 mg Wellbutrin XL are not scored so technicially I don't think they should be halved and although I'm taking the same pill in 2 days, I worry about the uneven dosage. I believe that pills that are scored means that they can be divided, the mixture is an even mixture throughout the pill or tablet, whereas pills that are not scored are not made with even mixtures so the dosage may be more on one side of the pill than the other, in other words, they aren't meant to be be scored.

I'm feeling detached and confused. The clutter in the apartment, worse, the cracks in the walls and the spots on the walls, dust, dirt.. are really bothering me. I slept for 3 hours this afternoon.

I focused on one chore and did manage to complete a chore today which surprised me, that I was able to do it and put it off another day until Saturday.

I feel kind of depressed and stuff, I feel I should call the Dr. I was supposed to call him on Friday but forgot, I feel anxiety about calling people in general, and much anxiety about calling the the shrink...

Wellbutrin Withdrawl

I'd been having migraine headaches and thought it was Wellbutrin and the new HIV medication I was taking, Prezesta, Isentress, and Norvir.

I started halving the Wellbutrin, 300 mg XL, they aren't scored but the psyc. said it would significantly reduce the chance of me having a seizure...

Anyway, the physician says it probably isn't the Wellbutrin because my previous hiv meidcation, Trizivir contained the Norvir and I was already taking the Norvir / Wellbutrin combination.

Anyhow, the physician changed the Isentress to Truvada and the migraines have stopped.

I want to continue with the Wellbutrin decrease, and ween myself off. I'm still halving the 300 XL, it's been a week and 3 days. I feel kind of funny. A bit queasy and weak. I stayed home from work. I also feel a bit detached from reality, hard to describe....

This is my new blog to talk openly about medication and hiv and stuff that I wouldn't talk to people I know personally about, not blogwise anyway.

Here I am a stranger. Here I can be naked and unashamed.