Should I go Back on Wellbutrin?

I have been feeling "depressed" a lot. Not so much sad, as bored, empty, hollow, lifeless, hopeless, it is wavering quite a bit, the "bad" feelings; I'll forget for a while, then it hits me again.

I feel anxious if I don't have pot and I use pot to quell the feeling, but in general, I felt better overall when on the Wellbutrin.

The reason I stopped taking it was because of terrible headaches when I started new hiv meds that I contributed to Wellbutrin. Although being on Wellbutrin increases chances of seizure (which I've never had) it may be worth it.

Like today for instance, I got up, did the Time's Crossword... most of it, don't want to go out to the Cherry Blossom Festival.

I am depressed feeling, low... its so hard to describe...

I have begun to remember dreams again, bits and pieces, actually 3 this week. I even woke up acting out a dream last night... I thought of having an out of body experience while looking at the shadows on the wall just before falling asleep last night. I woke up grabbing at the fabric of the dream, a woman's dress, walking toward me, a group of people rushing me, grabbing her dress was grabbing the fabric of the dream and as I pulled it away, like pulling a movie screen down, I was awake sitting up pulling up the sheets.

Not Sure How It's Going So Far

I've been sick with a cough, and depressed. Thinking about suicide again, but not sure how much of it is the physical ailment. I've been considering going back on Wellbutrin again, but my hesitation is that I'm under the weather and I can blame that for the depressed feelings.

I think about taking an overdose. Now that mother is dead, she was my promise not to commit suicide because I didn't want to hurt her. A. would have a hard time but he'd get over it. I think about jumping off the roof and letting strangers find me while A.'s at work....

I don't know... I really want to cry but can't seem to. I see dried up. I really don't want to go forward, I see no future that is appealing... I just want it all to end....

I know it's because I'm sick, congested, called out today, came home early yesterday.... under the weather, it's gloomy, rainy and cold, there is a constant jack hammer in the street...

I don't want people to mourn me. The trouble my family would have to go through... unless I just left instructions for cremation, wouldn't have to deal with the transport of the body...

I don't know what to do. A. says to call the shrink and talk to him, that really doesn't matter, he will agree with taking the Wellbutrin I believe, and he will also agree if I say I want to wait a while more until I'm physically well, to see how I feel....

Wellbutrin doesn't work that fast anyhow, it would take several days or more to see results anyway... I wouldn't know if I were feeling this way when I'm not sick, so I better wait.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just want everything to stop, I'm tired of trying and tired of having what feels like tons of stuff hanging over me, which I rationally know is nothing at all...

I see no good future, I see suffering and sadness...

Also, today is the anniversary of my father's death, although it has been well over 30 years... I can put that into the mix as well, and guilt for calling in sick... which is useless guilt and I don't know where that comes from...

I don't know what to do. I won't commit suicide now, I'm just thinking about it... not intentionally, it's intrusive thoughts and obsessive morbidity.... I used to live in this mode, I made it through those early years, I think I can las one more day...

Wondering about Set Backs

I'd been feeling a bit depressed here and there. A few days, well, I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts and ideas. These were bothersome for a few days. I was also a bit depressed and have been a bit scattered. On Saturday I seriously thought about going back on the Wellbutrin and wondered if the way I was feeling was because I wasn't on it any more.

I'm feeling quite pressured by time as well, I noticed it a few days ago and when I think back its been an issue.

I totally ignored my taxes and stuff, this is the 4th year in a row. I did one major thing, call my accountant and ask him a question. I left a message and emailed. I asked if I had to file in order by year. I don't.
I don't know why I asked, I needed to make contact.... I literally told him I was going to wait until after the 15th to deal with it anyhow...

I can't even talk about it....

I've been feeling a bit sketchy, wanting to stay home from work every day, really badly. I have time off next week and I can't wait, spring break.

I'm telling myself I'm going to go out and take photos and enjoy the city. At least that is an improvement.

We'll see if I actually do it... I need to take the w2s to the accountant and let him do the taxes....

we'll see if I actually do...

I've remembered dreaming a few nights. No details of the dreams, just that I did. That is new.
That is normal for me, but I haven't remembered dreams in years... used to be an avid dream rememberer.

I hope I don't end up back on the Wellbutrin. I can tell a difference....

I was proud of being off of it and at the psychiatrist, he actually said "well it's only been three weeks so let's just sit tight"...

it bothered me that he said that, that expressed doubt, of course I didn't say anything....

I haven't seen the therapist for over a year I think.

I've felt very bored in general....

I still smoke pot, in small doses, to quell anxiety...

it's just pexeva and 2.5 mg of zyprexa now....

I'm glad I'm off of Wellbutrin. I think I'm doing okay.... time is telling

Wellbutrin Free At Last!!

I've been off of Wellbutrin for about 2 weeks now and I feel the same. I felt funny for a week or so during the tapering off period, and I got kind of sick, flu like and and some headaches. I don't know if that was because of stopping Wellbutrin or not.

Now I think I feel the same as I did a month or so ago, so don't really notice a difference.

Has anybody else had this experience of stopping Wellbutrin XL???

I felt better yesterday

and today. communicating with the account, even though it was mostly a moot act, and deciding what to do, and seeing a simple way of doing it were key.

...not I just actually have to get stuff together to take to him, just w2 forms and stuff...

i feel anxious about having called in sick one too many times for the Monday/Friday job.... I'm nervous about going in on Friday...

i'm also a bit tired that this job, although I love it and I don't have to do too much in general, and when I am working it is highly interesting and motivating, the pay is not what I want and it may be better in my position to transfer that time to the job which adds hours toward retirement.... i'm thinking of making a change if they don't give me a heafty raise soon.

mind you, when i say 'thinking about' this means i will be thinking about this for a long time before i do anything.

I did call the accountant

And left a message, and emailed him. I asked if I neeeded to file the taxes year by year in chronological order. He responded with one line and no signature, a trite and sharp response, emails are so hard to read, easy to mis read, i don't need to file them in order... don't know why i asked.

the first three years are short form.... got to build up the strength of just taking them in , the w2 forms and letting him do it..... this will be expenseive.....

we pay for our mistakes.

god i'm shaking right now writing about it and holy fuck do i not want to leave the apartment.

Terrible Panic Attack Yesterday

It happened in the shower. The focus was all of the things I did not accomplish over the weekend, specifically the past 4 years of taxes. I have not filed. It causes me to get tense and freeze up, like a feeling of shock plus terrible butterflies, like when going to the dentist or getting bad news from the doctor, at the very thought of the IRS, my tax person (any person but this specific one has stresses of his own) and all of that shit.

I have a small business on the side and its not hard to keep track of records, it is just hard to deal with anything involving finance or numbers, I have an emotional freeze up, and it's like not going near open flame or something, I am so good at avoiding them.

I pay my bills on time and everything, I have had a $10,000 debt with the IRS that I have paid off from not filing years and years ago, and I had been keeping up every year but something happend 3 or 4 years ago that caused me to procrastinate and not deal with it.

Anyhow, my point was yesterday, having a panic attack and calling in sick (I really did throw up the night before and was nauseous too had a may have had a low grade fever) ...
Often I can't tell if I'm really sick or not because the panic and how I feel is so overlapped, I mean the physical and emotional/mental are intertwined.....

I thought hard and long about NOT stopping the Wellbutrin, buperorion, or however you spell it, I am taking a nibble off of the pill, the 300 MG XL a day , like Alice in Wonderland (obviously these drugs suffer from these types of MYTHS, but I couldn't help the analogy) taking around a quarter of the pill a day. I am feeling worse, more fragile, more anxious and paniced, but not knowing if I should blame Wellbutrin withdrawl or just the time of year.....

I have a slight headache more often than not, naggy..... I feel bad for missing work... I lost money, I didn't get paid yesterday and have missed a lot at that specific job......

I'm ANGSTING
that's why I wrote this page......