Not Sure How It's Going So Far

I've been sick with a cough, and depressed. Thinking about suicide again, but not sure how much of it is the physical ailment. I've been considering going back on Wellbutrin again, but my hesitation is that I'm under the weather and I can blame that for the depressed feelings.

I think about taking an overdose. Now that mother is dead, she was my promise not to commit suicide because I didn't want to hurt her. A. would have a hard time but he'd get over it. I think about jumping off the roof and letting strangers find me while A.'s at work....

I don't know... I really want to cry but can't seem to. I see dried up. I really don't want to go forward, I see no future that is appealing... I just want it all to end....

I know it's because I'm sick, congested, called out today, came home early yesterday.... under the weather, it's gloomy, rainy and cold, there is a constant jack hammer in the street...

I don't want people to mourn me. The trouble my family would have to go through... unless I just left instructions for cremation, wouldn't have to deal with the transport of the body...

I don't know what to do. A. says to call the shrink and talk to him, that really doesn't matter, he will agree with taking the Wellbutrin I believe, and he will also agree if I say I want to wait a while more until I'm physically well, to see how I feel....

Wellbutrin doesn't work that fast anyhow, it would take several days or more to see results anyway... I wouldn't know if I were feeling this way when I'm not sick, so I better wait.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just want everything to stop, I'm tired of trying and tired of having what feels like tons of stuff hanging over me, which I rationally know is nothing at all...

I see no good future, I see suffering and sadness...

Also, today is the anniversary of my father's death, although it has been well over 30 years... I can put that into the mix as well, and guilt for calling in sick... which is useless guilt and I don't know where that comes from...

I don't know what to do. I won't commit suicide now, I'm just thinking about it... not intentionally, it's intrusive thoughts and obsessive morbidity.... I used to live in this mode, I made it through those early years, I think I can las one more day...