Not Sure How It's Going So Far

I've been sick with a cough, and depressed. Thinking about suicide again, but not sure how much of it is the physical ailment. I've been considering going back on Wellbutrin again, but my hesitation is that I'm under the weather and I can blame that for the depressed feelings.

I think about taking an overdose. Now that mother is dead, she was my promise not to commit suicide because I didn't want to hurt her. A. would have a hard time but he'd get over it. I think about jumping off the roof and letting strangers find me while A.'s at work....

I don't know... I really want to cry but can't seem to. I see dried up. I really don't want to go forward, I see no future that is appealing... I just want it all to end....

I know it's because I'm sick, congested, called out today, came home early yesterday.... under the weather, it's gloomy, rainy and cold, there is a constant jack hammer in the street...

I don't want people to mourn me. The trouble my family would have to go through... unless I just left instructions for cremation, wouldn't have to deal with the transport of the body...

I don't know what to do. A. says to call the shrink and talk to him, that really doesn't matter, he will agree with taking the Wellbutrin I believe, and he will also agree if I say I want to wait a while more until I'm physically well, to see how I feel....

Wellbutrin doesn't work that fast anyhow, it would take several days or more to see results anyway... I wouldn't know if I were feeling this way when I'm not sick, so I better wait.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just want everything to stop, I'm tired of trying and tired of having what feels like tons of stuff hanging over me, which I rationally know is nothing at all...

I see no good future, I see suffering and sadness...

Also, today is the anniversary of my father's death, although it has been well over 30 years... I can put that into the mix as well, and guilt for calling in sick... which is useless guilt and I don't know where that comes from...

I don't know what to do. I won't commit suicide now, I'm just thinking about it... not intentionally, it's intrusive thoughts and obsessive morbidity.... I used to live in this mode, I made it through those early years, I think I can las one more day...

Wondering about Set Backs

I'd been feeling a bit depressed here and there. A few days, well, I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts and ideas. These were bothersome for a few days. I was also a bit depressed and have been a bit scattered. On Saturday I seriously thought about going back on the Wellbutrin and wondered if the way I was feeling was because I wasn't on it any more.

I'm feeling quite pressured by time as well, I noticed it a few days ago and when I think back its been an issue.

I totally ignored my taxes and stuff, this is the 4th year in a row. I did one major thing, call my accountant and ask him a question. I left a message and emailed. I asked if I had to file in order by year. I don't.
I don't know why I asked, I needed to make contact.... I literally told him I was going to wait until after the 15th to deal with it anyhow...

I can't even talk about it....

I've been feeling a bit sketchy, wanting to stay home from work every day, really badly. I have time off next week and I can't wait, spring break.

I'm telling myself I'm going to go out and take photos and enjoy the city. At least that is an improvement.

We'll see if I actually do it... I need to take the w2s to the accountant and let him do the taxes....

we'll see if I actually do...

I've remembered dreaming a few nights. No details of the dreams, just that I did. That is new.
That is normal for me, but I haven't remembered dreams in years... used to be an avid dream rememberer.

I hope I don't end up back on the Wellbutrin. I can tell a difference....

I was proud of being off of it and at the psychiatrist, he actually said "well it's only been three weeks so let's just sit tight"...

it bothered me that he said that, that expressed doubt, of course I didn't say anything....

I haven't seen the therapist for over a year I think.

I've felt very bored in general....

I still smoke pot, in small doses, to quell anxiety...

it's just pexeva and 2.5 mg of zyprexa now....

I'm glad I'm off of Wellbutrin. I think I'm doing okay.... time is telling

Wellbutrin Free At Last!!

I've been off of Wellbutrin for about 2 weeks now and I feel the same. I felt funny for a week or so during the tapering off period, and I got kind of sick, flu like and and some headaches. I don't know if that was because of stopping Wellbutrin or not.

Now I think I feel the same as I did a month or so ago, so don't really notice a difference.

Has anybody else had this experience of stopping Wellbutrin XL???